my struggle with religion

I wont be telling a funny story in this post.  I will be exposing my own beliefs and how I've come to choose them.  And as always this is a touchy subject.  I welcome all comments.

I can't say I was raised Catholic but I was Christened in the Catholic church. I made my First Communion too.  I never made my Confirmation.  I was the youngest of three and by the time it was my turn my mother just really didn't care anymore.  I don't hold this against her at all.  I feel my life has been a series of fateful events and I've chosen how to react to all of them through experience.

In order to make My First Communion I remember I had to confess.  I was pulled out of Sunday school class and sent to the Father's Office, I guess you would call it.  I sat in front of him and he told me I had to confess my sins.  I had to come up with something but I had nothing.  I finally told him I stole my cousin Billy's polished rock.  But in my mind I didn't steel it I had borrowed it because I had all intentions of returning it the next time I went to his house to play I just wanted to show my friends.  Now that I had confessed to steeling I thought to myself I guess I better keep it now. 

Lets fast fwd about 10 years.  I am in the Navy and we are in Italy.  Dennis and I take a tour at the Vatican.  AWESOME!  I loved the Architecture.  I loved the ancient feel.  I loved the culture.  However I didn't have any feeling of a higher power being within me or around me or anywhere at all.  It was a tour and I took pictures..

Now the next stop was in Israel.  Let's see... we went to Bethlehem.  I saw where Jesus was born.  I saw where he rose from the dead.  I walked the the 13 stations of Christ.  I could feel a presence. And I never bought the 10 postcards for a dollah.  That guy selling them seemed to perform miracles by showing up at every destination on that tour and he didn't have a vehicle.

After my oldest son was born I felt compelled to have him Baptised.  I don't know why.  I think it was the pressure from my mother. I had been going to the Methodist Church down the street that Dennis grew up in.  I was volunteering in the nursery most Sunday's and OMGosh some of those kids were animals.  So after a few months of this we get a phone call from the church asking for Dennis or Vickie McCartney.  VICKIE!?  My husband NEVER goes to church and you get his name right?  Thanks a fn lot.  And of course they were asking for money.  I never went back.

So now it's maybe 1997 and I am sitting in the ice arena and another hockey mom tells me about BSF.  She makes it sound so nice.  I want to join because it's a non denominational Bible study and I've been wanting to read the Bible for many many years but I needed help. I join and this is an all woman group and we are separated into smaller groups according to our age and if we have children or not.

The first week I sat in the group and at the end of study most of the women asked for the group to pray for them for some reason or another.  I do remember one of the women had a husband that was recently diagnosed with cancer so she asked for prayers.   Now mind you I joined to learn how to read the Bible. I had no intentions of becoming anything I wasn't comfortable with just because I read a book.  But by the 3rd week of class I got a phone call from the groups leader telling me that she will expect me to ask for prayers from the other ladies by next class.

I was a bit taken back by her demand and I told her I have nothing I need prayers for.  She told me "We all need prayers and you can come up with something"  She then asked what church I was raised in.  I told her the Catholic church but I do not practice.  What she said next floored me.  Here it goes.. and remember, this is a non denominational bible study.  "Diana you must realize that Catholics think that as long as they do good things and go to church they think they will go to Heaven. But it doesn't work that way.  Catholics wont go to Heaven because they don't apply Jesus word to their everyday lives."

So there I sit on the  receiving end of the phone listening to a person I barely know and  also someone who has never met my family tell me  I'm going to Hell along with my dead father and grandparents.  At that point I politely told her I will no longer be part of the group.

So now what do I do?  It's been 13 years since the last incident.  I do believe Jesus was spreading  compassion and love and acceptance around the world. But I don't believe he was the first one to attempt this and I don't believe he was sent by a God. And if he was sent by a God and this God is the only God why do so many people around this world have other Gods they worship?  What makes them wrong and the Christian God right?   The common thread in every religion is compassion.  I believe I am a compassionate person. But some believe I'm evil and I am going to Hell.