Okay so it's early one morning and I am awake lying in bed. But I pretend to be asleep because I know Dennis is awake and I know what he is going to want if he knows I'm awake. I think I can safely say that's the last thing most women want to focus on as soon as their eyes open in the morning.
Well Dennis being a man tries to wake me in a few subtle ways. At this time we had a water bed so doing the ole 'change positions' in bed is a good try because the waves sometimes will stir me awake. NOT this time. Then he tries some coughing..NOPE I'm not ready yet. So he gives up hope and gets out of bed and as he walks to the bathroom he farts really loud. Now I find farts funny as long as they don't stink. If they stink then get the f out of my space. This was a funny one. I held my laughter until he is in the bathroom and couldn't hear me laughing because I don't want him to do an about face and get back in bed because... I'm still not ready.
While he is in the bathroom my mind races and I start to think of something funny I can do to let him know I was awake the whole time. It didn't take long for me to figure out that I'm gonna ask him if he heard the fart I ripped earlier.
He comes back into the bedroom and is standing in front of the closet and I casually start to stretch as if I'm just waking up and I yawn and say "good morning honey". He replies with a "good morning" and he sounds a bit put off because I never woke up before and he seems to be missing something in his day already. Then I ask him "Did you hear that fart I ripped?" He asks me "When?" I tell him "Just a few mins ago when you were walking to the bathroom." He really gets angry and looks at me and yells "THAT WAS MY FART!"
He was so upset that I tried to claim his fart. You would have thought I took the last circus peanut on earth. ( grossest candy ever) I busted laughing. I was crying laughing. I tried to claim his fart. Seriously has anyone ever tried to claim someone else's fart He eventually did laugh with me. I think he realized how silly it was for him to be so upset. It's a fart. There is plenty more where that came from.
Moral of the story... if you're not going to give it to him don't try and take it away from him either.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
my struggle with religion
I wont be telling a funny story in this post. I will be exposing my own beliefs and how I've come to choose them. And as always this is a touchy subject. I welcome all comments.
I can't say I was raised Catholic but I was Christened in the Catholic church. I made my First Communion too. I never made my Confirmation. I was the youngest of three and by the time it was my turn my mother just really didn't care anymore. I don't hold this against her at all. I feel my life has been a series of fateful events and I've chosen how to react to all of them through experience.
In order to make My First Communion I remember I had to confess. I was pulled out of Sunday school class and sent to the Father's Office, I guess you would call it. I sat in front of him and he told me I had to confess my sins. I had to come up with something but I had nothing. I finally told him I stole my cousin Billy's polished rock. But in my mind I didn't steel it I had borrowed it because I had all intentions of returning it the next time I went to his house to play I just wanted to show my friends. Now that I had confessed to steeling I thought to myself I guess I better keep it now.
Lets fast fwd about 10 years. I am in the Navy and we are in Italy. Dennis and I take a tour at the Vatican. AWESOME! I loved the Architecture. I loved the ancient feel. I loved the culture. However I didn't have any feeling of a higher power being within me or around me or anywhere at all. It was a tour and I took pictures..
Now the next stop was in Israel. Let's see... we went to Bethlehem. I saw where Jesus was born. I saw where he rose from the dead. I walked the the 13 stations of Christ. I could feel a presence. And I never bought the 10 postcards for a dollah. That guy selling them seemed to perform miracles by showing up at every destination on that tour and he didn't have a vehicle.
After my oldest son was born I felt compelled to have him Baptised. I don't know why. I think it was the pressure from my mother. I had been going to the Methodist Church down the street that Dennis grew up in. I was volunteering in the nursery most Sunday's and OMGosh some of those kids were animals. So after a few months of this we get a phone call from the church asking for Dennis or Vickie McCartney. VICKIE!? My husband NEVER goes to church and you get his name right? Thanks a fn lot. And of course they were asking for money. I never went back.
So now it's maybe 1997 and I am sitting in the ice arena and another hockey mom tells me about BSF. She makes it sound so nice. I want to join because it's a non denominational Bible study and I've been wanting to read the Bible for many many years but I needed help. I join and this is an all woman group and we are separated into smaller groups according to our age and if we have children or not.
The first week I sat in the group and at the end of study most of the women asked for the group to pray for them for some reason or another. I do remember one of the women had a husband that was recently diagnosed with cancer so she asked for prayers. Now mind you I joined to learn how to read the Bible. I had no intentions of becoming anything I wasn't comfortable with just because I read a book. But by the 3rd week of class I got a phone call from the groups leader telling me that she will expect me to ask for prayers from the other ladies by next class.
I was a bit taken back by her demand and I told her I have nothing I need prayers for. She told me "We all need prayers and you can come up with something" She then asked what church I was raised in. I told her the Catholic church but I do not practice. What she said next floored me. Here it goes.. and remember, this is a non denominational bible study. "Diana you must realize that Catholics think that as long as they do good things and go to church they think they will go to Heaven. But it doesn't work that way. Catholics wont go to Heaven because they don't apply Jesus word to their everyday lives."
So there I sit on the receiving end of the phone listening to a person I barely know and also someone who has never met my family tell me I'm going to Hell along with my dead father and grandparents. At that point I politely told her I will no longer be part of the group.
So now what do I do? It's been 13 years since the last incident. I do believe Jesus was spreading compassion and love and acceptance around the world. But I don't believe he was the first one to attempt this and I don't believe he was sent by a God. And if he was sent by a God and this God is the only God why do so many people around this world have other Gods they worship? What makes them wrong and the Christian God right? The common thread in every religion is compassion. I believe I am a compassionate person. But some believe I'm evil and I am going to Hell.
I can't say I was raised Catholic but I was Christened in the Catholic church. I made my First Communion too. I never made my Confirmation. I was the youngest of three and by the time it was my turn my mother just really didn't care anymore. I don't hold this against her at all. I feel my life has been a series of fateful events and I've chosen how to react to all of them through experience.
In order to make My First Communion I remember I had to confess. I was pulled out of Sunday school class and sent to the Father's Office, I guess you would call it. I sat in front of him and he told me I had to confess my sins. I had to come up with something but I had nothing. I finally told him I stole my cousin Billy's polished rock. But in my mind I didn't steel it I had borrowed it because I had all intentions of returning it the next time I went to his house to play I just wanted to show my friends. Now that I had confessed to steeling I thought to myself I guess I better keep it now.
Lets fast fwd about 10 years. I am in the Navy and we are in Italy. Dennis and I take a tour at the Vatican. AWESOME! I loved the Architecture. I loved the ancient feel. I loved the culture. However I didn't have any feeling of a higher power being within me or around me or anywhere at all. It was a tour and I took pictures..
Now the next stop was in Israel. Let's see... we went to Bethlehem. I saw where Jesus was born. I saw where he rose from the dead. I walked the the 13 stations of Christ. I could feel a presence. And I never bought the 10 postcards for a dollah. That guy selling them seemed to perform miracles by showing up at every destination on that tour and he didn't have a vehicle.
After my oldest son was born I felt compelled to have him Baptised. I don't know why. I think it was the pressure from my mother. I had been going to the Methodist Church down the street that Dennis grew up in. I was volunteering in the nursery most Sunday's and OMGosh some of those kids were animals. So after a few months of this we get a phone call from the church asking for Dennis or Vickie McCartney. VICKIE!? My husband NEVER goes to church and you get his name right? Thanks a fn lot. And of course they were asking for money. I never went back.
So now it's maybe 1997 and I am sitting in the ice arena and another hockey mom tells me about BSF. She makes it sound so nice. I want to join because it's a non denominational Bible study and I've been wanting to read the Bible for many many years but I needed help. I join and this is an all woman group and we are separated into smaller groups according to our age and if we have children or not.
The first week I sat in the group and at the end of study most of the women asked for the group to pray for them for some reason or another. I do remember one of the women had a husband that was recently diagnosed with cancer so she asked for prayers. Now mind you I joined to learn how to read the Bible. I had no intentions of becoming anything I wasn't comfortable with just because I read a book. But by the 3rd week of class I got a phone call from the groups leader telling me that she will expect me to ask for prayers from the other ladies by next class.
I was a bit taken back by her demand and I told her I have nothing I need prayers for. She told me "We all need prayers and you can come up with something" She then asked what church I was raised in. I told her the Catholic church but I do not practice. What she said next floored me. Here it goes.. and remember, this is a non denominational bible study. "Diana you must realize that Catholics think that as long as they do good things and go to church they think they will go to Heaven. But it doesn't work that way. Catholics wont go to Heaven because they don't apply Jesus word to their everyday lives."
So there I sit on the receiving end of the phone listening to a person I barely know and also someone who has never met my family tell me I'm going to Hell along with my dead father and grandparents. At that point I politely told her I will no longer be part of the group.
So now what do I do? It's been 13 years since the last incident. I do believe Jesus was spreading compassion and love and acceptance around the world. But I don't believe he was the first one to attempt this and I don't believe he was sent by a God. And if he was sent by a God and this God is the only God why do so many people around this world have other Gods they worship? What makes them wrong and the Christian God right? The common thread in every religion is compassion. I believe I am a compassionate person. But some believe I'm evil and I am going to Hell.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
another pair of pantyhose gone bad
When I was 16 I had a friend named Tracey that pretty much lived at my house. As a matter of fact she did live with me for a few months at one time. This story involves Tracey and a pair of pantyhose. This story is also very disgusting but extremely funny (in the most disgusting way).
It was a Friday night and Tracey and I were getting the house ready to have some friends over for a party. I was in the kitchen standing at the sink doing something with my back to the rest of the house. Tracey was in my bedroom picking out clothes to wear.
Maybe two weeks or two months before this night Tracey and I witnessed another friend of ours named Chris put a knee high stocking over his head and distort his face and we pissed our pants laughing at him. His nose was flat and pulled up to his forehead and his lips were mooshed all over his face not covering his teeth at all. All the while he was doing a fantastic impression of Jack Tripper.
Soooo next thing I know Tracey is yelling my name from the hallway "Diana who do I look like?". I turn around and there she is.. she had a pair of my pantyhose over her head. You all know how much I love pantyhose.."TRACEY GET THOSE OFF YOUR HEAD!" I screamed. I run towards her and she panics and yanks the damn things off her head and asks "What's wrong?"
This is what was wrong...Earlier that day while wearing those pantyhose I started my period. gosh go figure... And of course I wasn't prepared and those pantyhose no longer had a white cotton crotch. I still can't believe Tracey did not see that huge stain stretched across her face. It was a small scene from a low budget horror movie. Even worse..did she not smell it? Is anyone laughing at this story. I know I am but I do have a warped sence of humor.
It was a Friday night and Tracey and I were getting the house ready to have some friends over for a party. I was in the kitchen standing at the sink doing something with my back to the rest of the house. Tracey was in my bedroom picking out clothes to wear.
Maybe two weeks or two months before this night Tracey and I witnessed another friend of ours named Chris put a knee high stocking over his head and distort his face and we pissed our pants laughing at him. His nose was flat and pulled up to his forehead and his lips were mooshed all over his face not covering his teeth at all. All the while he was doing a fantastic impression of Jack Tripper.
Soooo next thing I know Tracey is yelling my name from the hallway "Diana who do I look like?". I turn around and there she is.. she had a pair of my pantyhose over her head. You all know how much I love pantyhose.."TRACEY GET THOSE OFF YOUR HEAD!" I screamed. I run towards her and she panics and yanks the damn things off her head and asks "What's wrong?"
This is what was wrong...Earlier that day while wearing those pantyhose I started my period. gosh go figure... And of course I wasn't prepared and those pantyhose no longer had a white cotton crotch. I still can't believe Tracey did not see that huge stain stretched across her face. It was a small scene from a low budget horror movie. Even worse..did she not smell it? Is anyone laughing at this story. I know I am but I do have a warped sence of humor.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
a Simons Cat moment....
This is my catnip story
It was October 1999. Our house was for sale and we were getting ready for a showing. I had the Yankee McIntosh candle burning and a big bowl of MacIntosh apples out on display. We packed the kids up and the dog and headed out to do some shopping while the showing was being held. Don't worry I blew the candle out before we left..The house smelled and looked amazing on a nice fall day.
While we were shopping I picked up some catnip and toilet paper and a few other household items. We took the boys for some lunch and waited an hour and a half after the showing started to return to the house.
When we got home we pretty much let the dog in, put the grocery bags on the kitchen counter, noticed there was no realtor card left from the showing and headed out again because Dennis read a bit of the Sunday paper at the kitchen table and there was some special football game being played at the stadium across the street. We grabbed the boys and left the house to go watch the game.
About two hours later we walked back home opened the door and walked into what looked like a tornado had hit the kitchen and dining room. There were plastic grocery bags lying on the floor torn to shreds and the bag of catnip was torn open and weed was scattered from the coutertops all over the kitchen floor and into the diningroom. The Sunday paper had been run across and thrown onto the floor in several places. It was such a sight..We just kind laughed at it all. The aftermath of a kitty crack rampage was being witnessed. The cat had a shit load of fun and was no where to be found at this point and we had some cleaning to do.
It didn't take long for someone to discover the realtor card that was now in the house which was NOT in the house before we left for the football game. The laughter came to a screaching halt and now we wondered..did the cat do us a favor and wait till the realtor and potential buyers left to have all of her fun ORRRRRR did the cat not have any self control after getting a sweet waft of catnip in the air.
It was bad enough the realtor came after we went shopping and left everything out but to think they came into a house and saw the crazy mess that was going on is a hard thing to swallow.
It was October 1999. Our house was for sale and we were getting ready for a showing. I had the Yankee McIntosh candle burning and a big bowl of MacIntosh apples out on display. We packed the kids up and the dog and headed out to do some shopping while the showing was being held. Don't worry I blew the candle out before we left..The house smelled and looked amazing on a nice fall day.
While we were shopping I picked up some catnip and toilet paper and a few other household items. We took the boys for some lunch and waited an hour and a half after the showing started to return to the house.
When we got home we pretty much let the dog in, put the grocery bags on the kitchen counter, noticed there was no realtor card left from the showing and headed out again because Dennis read a bit of the Sunday paper at the kitchen table and there was some special football game being played at the stadium across the street. We grabbed the boys and left the house to go watch the game.
About two hours later we walked back home opened the door and walked into what looked like a tornado had hit the kitchen and dining room. There were plastic grocery bags lying on the floor torn to shreds and the bag of catnip was torn open and weed was scattered from the coutertops all over the kitchen floor and into the diningroom. The Sunday paper had been run across and thrown onto the floor in several places. It was such a sight..We just kind laughed at it all. The aftermath of a kitty crack rampage was being witnessed. The cat had a shit load of fun and was no where to be found at this point and we had some cleaning to do.
It didn't take long for someone to discover the realtor card that was now in the house which was NOT in the house before we left for the football game. The laughter came to a screaching halt and now we wondered..did the cat do us a favor and wait till the realtor and potential buyers left to have all of her fun ORRRRRR did the cat not have any self control after getting a sweet waft of catnip in the air.
It was bad enough the realtor came after we went shopping and left everything out but to think they came into a house and saw the crazy mess that was going on is a hard thing to swallow.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Ya I ate it...
This story got a good laugh last night so it's a post today. Hopefully a much shorter post than the last which I found I lost someones interest half way through and they never read the ending to the story. TOM!
So I believe I was 14 and I had my friend Holly over at our summer home on Plum Island. It was lunch time and we were inside in the livingroom eating. I was in a chair and Holly was sitting on the sofa about 10 ft away from me. I made ham sandwich's for lunch.
I had maybe taken one or two bites of my sandwich and was going in for a third bite when I noticed that it looked like something had fallen out of my sandwich and landed on my chest. So what do I do? I pick it up and eat it of course. It was my sandwich after all right?
Once I swallowed the suspicious meat Holly immediately screamed "GROSS I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST ATE THAT" huh? What the heck is her problem? I ate a piece of my sandwich that fell out of the bread. Shutup and finish yours.
HOLLY: I had a piece of meat in my mouth that was gristly and couldn't chew it enough to eat it so I threw it at you and you ate it!!
Ya I ate it...
So I believe I was 14 and I had my friend Holly over at our summer home on Plum Island. It was lunch time and we were inside in the livingroom eating. I was in a chair and Holly was sitting on the sofa about 10 ft away from me. I made ham sandwich's for lunch.
I had maybe taken one or two bites of my sandwich and was going in for a third bite when I noticed that it looked like something had fallen out of my sandwich and landed on my chest. So what do I do? I pick it up and eat it of course. It was my sandwich after all right?
Once I swallowed the suspicious meat Holly immediately screamed "GROSS I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST ATE THAT" huh? What the heck is her problem? I ate a piece of my sandwich that fell out of the bread. Shutup and finish yours.
HOLLY: I had a piece of meat in my mouth that was gristly and couldn't chew it enough to eat it so I threw it at you and you ate it!!
Ya I ate it...
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